Pending Parenthood

I had an email exchange with a friend and co-worker I thought was sort of interesting and relevant to this whole baby adoption process. He is in a position that uniquely qualifies him to give me advice that I'm actually likely to take - in many areas, not just when it comes to building a family. I'm posting the conversation pretty much as is, minus the parts that might be too personal to share on Jim's part or too boring for outsiders to stand (work stuff). I'm not sure Jon and I have gotten into some of these issues on the blog.

From: JM.
Sent: Friday, August 26, 2005 9:33 AM
To: Cheryl Rainford
Subject: JM 26 Aug - Pending parenthood

Cheryl, ... I hope I'm not being to nosy or personal if I ask how your adoption proceedings are progressing? Jim

On Fri, 26 Aug 2005 10:46:08 -0500
Cheryl Rainford wrote:

Jim, thanks for the note. Jon and I are still waiting to hear about the baby. People who sent their paperwork to China in January received their referrals the last week in July. We sent our paperwork in March, so we might get a referral as early as the end of September. That would mean we'd be traveling to China six weeks after that - in mid November. We could have a great deal more than usual to be thankful for on Thanksgiving this year. We really won't know about the timing of the process until the day we get the letter... There are many things that could delay the process - SARS, Avian Flu, red tape, etc. Thanks for asking.

-----Original Message-----
From: JM
Sent: Friday, August 26, 2005 11:31 AM
To: Cheryl Rainford
Subject: Re: JM 26 Aug - Pending parenthood

Cheryl,

I wish the very best for you, Jon and the new baby. Following is my unsolicited advice and observations. Knowing you, you will give it the consideration it deserves but you'll be polite about it (g). What will your baby's given name be? In Iowa City, which has a large Asian population in school, there are both "American" and "native" names. Adopted kids and third generation kids tend to have American names. First and second generation often have native names. Sometimes they have an American nick name and sometimes they just use their given names.

As you know, my wife is German and we had at one time planned to retire in Germany. We spent a very great deal of time selecting names that would work well in both languages. Julia and Sonia are great fits. Alena is not so American, but it is not too weird (she was supposed to be Anna, pronounced Ahna, but my wife was sure Americans would pronounce it Ann ah and wouldn't go along with it). If I were naming the baby, I'd try for something that was American or I would choose a Chinese name that had an obvious American nickname. One solution is a Chinese middle name. I'd honor the child's heritage, in other words.

Have you decided whether to break all ties with her birth parents, or continue or at least retain the possibility of contact?

Did you know that at the breakup of my first marriage, I gave up a child for adoption at birth and was reunited with her when she was about 20? We get along quite famously. She calls me Dad, (but I'll never be her "real" father). I am used as the explanation for all her faults (g). (Aha! Now I know where you got your ........" (g)) Her babies have three sets of grandparents. They're not old enough to wonder about that yet, but at some time I suppose they will. We "family" together like anyone else, that is, we recognize birthdays and such and always visit and exchange gifts on all the normal occasions. Her half-siblings by Hanne and me all were in her wedding. Her adoptive father, father-in-law and I all have birthdays within 2 weeks of each other, so each year we have a "three fathers day" where all the families get together. We all get along quite well. When Lori found me, she also found a full sibling she'd had no inkling of, her older brother. She has an adoptive brother, too, but there is no doubt that finding biological siblings and a very powerful affect on her.

Hanne and I made a very deliberate attempt to maintain both cultures with our girls, at least as far as language is concerned. We succeeded, but it was a very great effort and I don't think there is any way you and Jon can maintain much of a Chinese heritage because you would be learning, too.

If it were me, I'd do all I could to expose her to the heritage because it will help her when she is an adult and people "obviously" (how wrong they are!) assume she is not American. One thing we learned is that our daughters are American. They have a deep appreciation and love for their German culture, but they think and act much more American than German. I suppose you'll have to feel your way through this area.

Last names? Good god, give the poor girl one last name! You know, I met a woman who's parents had immigrated from Germany and had an "unpronounceable" name. Their solution was to choose a new name for the whole family. Everyone got together and chose the name Curtiss. Then Katherine married a Lemos from Columbia. What the hell?! The solution in your case if for Jon to take your last name. If I moved to Germany for life, I'd seriously think of changing my name (try pronoucing every syllable in (his last name) as if it were Latin).

Anyway, you know that I don't need much of an excuse to voice my opinion. In this case, I have some history that bears at least tangentially on your situation. There is no doubt that in a very short time and for the rest of her life, you and Jon will be the baby's real mother and father. Being a parent is wonderful. Consider having two.

Best,
Jim

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 12:20:12 -0500
Cheryl Rainford wrote:

Thanks for the advice, Jim. It's well spoken and I'll take it into consideration. If you delve through the archives of the posts on the blog you can see we've gone through much rumination on a name for our girl.

Her name will be Amalia May Rainford-Dreibelbis but we'll call her Molly. Amalia is the name of Jon's Spanish great grandmother, May is the name of my great grandmother from Wales. If Molly decides later she wants a Chinese name, she can spell her name Ma Li-Mei, which is a Chinese name. Li-Mei means beautiful plum blossom. Ma means anything female, I think, so she would be our beautiful plum blossom (Ma Li would be beautiful girl?), a lovely name, I think. We're going to check with a native speaker of Chinese to make sure that's really what it means. Typically, Chinese names have three characters, three syllables, so that works, too.

We are studying Chinese language and culture - we've always been interested in it anyway - and plan to make sure she is exposed to Asian culture through music, dance, artwork, festivals and celebrations, and meeting Asian-Americans, and we will travel to China when she is old enough to understand the place and her connection to it. Also, while in China we plan to buy 18 gifts that are related to different aspects of Chinese culture. We'll give them to her for her first 18 birthdays as a chance to talk about her cultural heritage and encourage her to be proud of it. Learning Chinese language will be entirely up to her - if she has an interest and an aptitude she will have every opportunity we can afford to learn the language, and we'll learn along with her.

Because of China's one-child policy, the girls in China are not given up for adoption, typiclly. They are left in public places where the authorities will find them. Abandonning a baby in China is a crime, so there will be no possibility of maintaining ties with her birthparents. But, we are plugged into a network of other American parents who have adopted girls from China, and the other parents in our travel group will have girls from the same region as our daughter. That means she'll have a bunch of "soul sisters" around locally and we'll always maintain ties with them. Our adoption agency holds several events through the year and has a monthly playgroup/support group. Often people visiting from China will come to the events.

I think it's wonderful that you are part of your first daughter's life, Jim. Families that have hearts large enough to make that work are a special breed. I'm glad you are part of such a family.

Cheryl
-----Original Message-----
From: JM
Sent: Friday, August 26, 2005 12:51 PM
To: Cheryl RainfordSubject: Re: JM 26 Aug - Pending parenthood

Cheryl, It sounds like you've given careful thought to many important issues. It's sad to know that you can't get the biological history of the family for health purposes, but I bet that in the next few years that kind of information will be more and more available based on DNA analysis. You know, the weird thing about this one-child policy is that it's quite easy to envision some young Chinese man who can't get a bride in China visiting the U.S. and finding your daughter. Culture is such a powerful player in people's lives, often for the worse. Jim